In surrogate partner therapy (SPT), physical attraction between the client and surrogate is not only unnecessary but could even hinder progress. This therapeutic approach is about learning how to cultivate genuine, lasting intimacy without the constraints of idealized or superficial notions of attraction. Here, the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response can help explain why relying on physical attraction can be limiting—and how SPT can foster a healthier, more flexible approach to intimacy.
The Dual Control Model suggests that sexual response is influenced by two independent processes: excitation (like a gas pedal) and inhibition (like a brake pedal). Everyone has their own balance of these “pedals,” shaped by their personality, life experiences, and physiology. While a partner’s appearance can certainly be a source of excitation, depending solely on physical attraction can bring up inhibitors that complicate connection. For example, a person who fixates on appearance may struggle with feelings of self-judgment, insecurity, or frustration with their partner, particularly if they blame either themselves or their partner for any lack of arousal. These issues don’t just affect current relationships—they’re likely to emerge in future ones as well.
In SPT, the goal is to help clients learn to cultivate intimacy in ways they can control, regardless of their partner’s appearance. By focusing on sensation-based exercises rather than appearance, clients gain more agency over their arousal and learn that they can feel pleasure and connection independently of physical attraction. Sensate focus and other tactile exercises allow clients to become attuned to the sensations and emotions of intimacy, making arousal possible even without strong physical attraction to their surrogate. This experience reinforces the idea that attraction can stem from sensory and emotional presence rather than superficial characteristics.
SPT also offers clients the opportunity to challenge long-standing beliefs about attraction. Much of what people find “attractive” has been shaped by cultural conditioning and media, creating narrow standards that limit potential connections. By examining the origins of their preferences, clients can understand how social programming has influenced their perception of attractiveness and recognize that broadening their definition can make room for more fulfilling relationships.
Moreover, judgment about physical ideals isn’t just directed outward—it affects one’s self-worth. If a person holds others to a strict physical standard, it can lead to self-criticism and doubts about their own worth. This focus on appearance can reinforce a sense of unworthiness, especially if the individual feels that they fall short of societal standards. SPT helps clients confront these judgments, encouraging a shift toward valuing personal qualities and shared experiences over physical traits.
Appearance is also temporary; aging, changes in weight, and life experiences inevitably alter physical features. If attraction is based solely on appearance, these changes can threaten a relationship. By practicing intimacy in SPT that’s rooted in deeper values, clients learn how to foster connection through enduring qualities rather than fleeting physical attributes. They come to appreciate a more substantial sense of attraction—one that doesn’t fade with age or circumstance but rather grows stronger with meaningful connection.
Through SPT, clients learn to build relationships based on connection, shared experiences, and an openness to a wider range of partners. By moving beyond appearance-driven attraction, they can cultivate relationships that are not only more meaningful but also more resilient, setting the foundation for a lifetime of fulfilling, authentic connections.